The fact that I am writing this blog post is HEART BREAKING.  Never before has one month gone by so quickly in my life.  It feels like we just welcomed our sweet, final baby into our home, and have spent the past month adjusting in both the best and hardest ways we ever have. 

I wanted to do monthly updates of how we are adjusting.  Some months I will combine my favorite products we are loving, but this month I plan to separate that into 2 different posts, just due to there being a lot of products, and a lot of  ‘updates’.   I plan to divide this post into updates on sweet Goldie, a bit of a postpartum update on myself, and then last I will answer some questions asked on Instagram!

Goldie Mae 1 Month Update

Our sweet girl is a whole month old.  I think more than ever it feels like she has both always been here, but also as if she just arrived.  With 4 babies the transition home each time has felt slightly different.  I think maybe based on how the other kids have adjusted and such.  This time Jack and Avé were so excited (and so fully understood what was happening) that when she came home they talked to her, and reacted to her as if she had always been there.  (There has been a bit more of a transition with Walker that I will talk about in the Q&A, but nothing too bad).

At 1 month old she is roughly 7 and a half pounds.  Most nights she sleeps her first stretch for 5 hours, followed by a shorter 3 ish hour stretch.  She is most of the time pretty easy at night and although she sometimes stirs for a while when we lay her back down, she doesn’t cry.  

She is a pro at getting out of swaddles, but definitely sleeps the best in the Ollie Swaddle (I did a full review of that here,) but it is honestly the best swaddle.  She wears size newborn clothes and diapers, and LOVES to be held on my chest, worn in the Solly baby wrap and to have white noise or shushing around her.  

Clearly there aren’t too many other updates on a 1 month old.  She is just really emerging from her sleepy little newborn state and I am equal parts excited to see her little personality emerge, but also SO SAD to see the newborn age slip away each day. 

1 Month Postpartum Update

And as with Goldie being 1 month old, that means it’s been a full month of me adjusting to her being here.  I wish I could say that its been seamless for me, but that would totally be a lie.  Her birth and the c section coupled together made the first 2 weeks hell for me.  I was so worried about her all the time and I was so uncomfortable and frustrated with the limitations of my body.   I have come home from the hospital 3 other times mostly ready to go, but this time around healing was so much slower, and that was both mentally and physically so hard for me.  

Adjusting to 4 has also been hard with how busy life is.  In her first month of life I am still yet to get to take a nap.  Life is so busy.  There is no sleeping in because I have to get up to help get the kids ready for school, so I am definitely a bit tired and run down.  Praise God she is a good sleeper, but even the best sleeping newborn leaves you tired, especially as your body is trying to heal and get back to ‘normal’, so I am definitely not feeling 100. 

Emotionally this has also BY FAR been my hardest adjustment.  There are so many emotions running through my head on not wanting to miss a minute of her sweet little newborn life.  But I also then miss the big kids and feel like I am not present enough for them.  (and honestly when I am present our tempers are short because Sam and I are tired).  So enter mom guilt.  So much mom guilt in the first month.  Knowing she is my last has been difficult as well.   I think for me the finality of Sam getting a vasectomy and no more kids didn’t really process when I was miserable and pregnant.  I mean lets face it – when you’re in your 3rd trimester with even your first you mutter the words “I never want to do this again.”  It was the right choice for us, and ultimately I do not want more than 4 kids.  But is still a hard adjustment.  And there are so many emotions knowing that this stage that I have truly LOVED and looked forward to my whole life is ending.  

I have also really struggled with balancing work and home life.  With the bigger kids I was on a good schedule and routine where although I felt like I was constantly pushed to my limits, I also did have a method to my madness.  Right now I don’t feel like I even have time to do it all, which has come with a lot of processing.  I have worked VERY hard to grow this little spot on the internet, and have turned sharing so much of what I love into a job, so in so many ways I don’t want to see that slip away. In many ways I feel like juggling this will always mean I giving less than I need at home.  

So, ultimately this has been a hard month.  There is no sugar coating it.  It has been a month of feeling like there isn’t enough Arin to go around, and like my heart and my hands are being torn in a million directions.  I know ultimately that that feeling will change and that there will be more balance.  But I also know when I emerge from that Goldie will be so much older which breaks my heart.  So there has been a lot of emotional processing. 

1 Month Q&A from Instagram 

Q: How are her reflux issues?

I still think she is struggling with reflux more than my other kids, however after talking to her doctor we are holding off on medicine.  It has gotten better on the horrific spit ups, just due to me knowing how to prevent them better, but once in a while they still happen, and man it is horrible!

Q: LOTS of Questions on transitioning the other kids:

So here are my pieces of advice, as well as my disclaimers.  Know that you will miss your older kids.  You may not even miss them physically, but the change in time and the mom guilt on how much time you are having to spend caring for the newborn will cause you to miss your older kids, and struggle with those emotions.  I truly think all moms deal with that. 

We always have the new baby bring the older kids a small gift – I think that tends to help them get excited about the baby, and this time we also had the older kids buy Goldie a gift which made them SO HAPPY.  

Once you are ready, take little moments with your older child/children for your own emotional wellbeing, as well as your other kids.  This is hard, but I still remember when Avé was a newborn and I took Jack to Dairy Queen. We both needed it SO BAD, and it helped us a ton.

If you older child/children are toddlers don’t push the baby on them.  They will come around to the baby in time, but pushing the baby on them only makes things harder for both you and them.  I know it’s hard when they aren’t doing all those viral video cute bonding moments, but I try to remind myself that this is a big change, that they likely really didn’t understand was happening, so it’s our job to let them adjust at their own pace. 

Try to keep certain routines the same even with the new baby.  For us that is dinner – bedtime.  We have tried not to alter that at all, and who ever puts Walker to bed doesn’t hold Goldie at that time.  That gives him just a little bit of normal.  

Q: Lots of C Section Questions:

I am going to do my best to sort of touch on all of them.  Was the recovery harder?  I won’t sugar coat it.  YES.  For me the recovery was so much harder.  I wasn’t emotionally super prepared for that, so that made it even worse.  With my older kids I have come home and basically felt back to normal within a few days.  This time it took me 3 weeks to really feel close to normal.

How to recover from a c section with other kids.  – Thats hard.  If your kids are older they just need to be more responsible for a little while, but for me with Walker, it honestly meant letting him get by with murder when I was home alone.  I couldn’t lift him so there was no time out and I couldn’t struggle with him.  Once the first 2 weeks had passed I was allowed to lift him again and that got better.  I had to remind myself that 2 weeks of empty threats weren’t going to ruin him..and that it was just how it had to be. 

C Section night time tips – for me night time was HARD.  I couldn’t get comfortable and I was SO mad that it was so hard to sit up from laying down.  After a few days I swallowed my pride and realized that sitting up was so much easier if I had Sam come around to my side of the bed and give me a hand to pull.  

We have a great night time routine where Sam changes the baby while I either wake up and get alert, or make a bottle or whatever needs to be done, then he passes the baby back to me and goes right back to sleep.  He is only awake for 10 min or so, but I feel supported and it allows for it to be a less difficult task for me.  This was REALLY important this time because I just physically felt stuck in the bed. 

Q: Is 4 Harder than 3?

I feel like I can’t fully weigh in.  So far 4 is hard.  But newborn life is hard.  In some respects I can see why people say once you have 3 you can have how ever many.  The transition to 3 is HARD.  You are suddenly dividing and conquering everything when it comes to kids.  So in a sense we are still doing that just with another human.  I just think that during the newborn phase its of course harder.  I will report back on this one haha.

Q: Lots of Eating Questions:

Right now I am still minimally nursing Goldie.  The more I supplemented and we got into a groove with the older kids the more my supply dwindled because I wasn’t super willing to pump (nor was there truly any way I would have had time).  I am somewhat sad about that, but I could tell that my mental state was not in a place to push that this time.  Adding pumping to my routine would have sent me spiraling, so I am at peace. Most of her nourishment is coming from formula, and she is happy and growing well.

She once in a while still has some sleepy feeds, but the closer to 1 month she got, the more alert she got, and thus the more she is staying awake for her feeds. 

Her feeding schedule is still very on demand but she usually eats every 3 fish hours.  In the afternoon I do try to plan her feeds slightly to start getting her used to a bedtime routine. I will do a blog post on that. 

Q: How is she sleeping/ What is her sleep schedule?

She is doing really well.  All of my babies have been pretty good sleepers.  Right now as of about a week ago we give her a bath around 6:30 when the other kids take baths and showers.  After that she has a bottle and we put her down to sleep downstairs with us.  At roughly 10 we wake her up and give her a bottle and she goes to sleep by about 10:30.  She is sleeping roughly 5 hours then waking up and sleeping another 3.  Most of the time the second stretch has been an issue more because of other kids stirring her. (no time like adding a newborn for lots of bad dreams haha)

I will talk more about that in a blog post, but for the most part she is doing pretty well.  She has rough nights here and there, but she’s getting better and better. 

She is sleeping in our room in her bassinet.  We swaddle her arms in still, and she will likely remain in our room until 8-10 weeks.  We basically keep them in our room until they are sleeping 10 – 5/6am.  Once they are sleeping a good nights sleep for us we move them to their own rooms. 

Overall, she has been a fantastic baby, and we truly CAN NOT get enough of her.  The whole family is smitten, and we feel incredible blessed to have her.  I will be back in a few days with my favorite products for a 1 month old so if you have a baby around her age, or are expecting a baby you will want to follow that series as I talk about what we have used the most during each month.

I somehow assumed I would have at least a few blog posts between this one and the Goldie birth story, but in true newborn life, here we are.  I figured instead of just talking on stories, I would do some updates here on my blog during Goldie’s first year.  My friend Alex does monthly updates for her daughter, and I love that she shares products that she is loving with that age, so I think I will do something similar.  I think especially with so many readers and followers with babies at similar ages this will be helpful.

Updates on Goldie

So to start off our 2 week updates, lets talk about the most important person – miss Goldie herself.  She is doing great.  

• Wakes 2 times most nights
• Loves to be swaddled
• Not sure about pacifiers or carseats
• Loves to lay on my chest
• White noise instantly puts her to sleep — and works pretty well on me too haha.
• Nursing and drinking bottles well
• 6.7 oz 
• Lots of congestion and spitting up, but we are getting a handle on both.  I will share my favorite items in my 1 month update. 
• Sweet as can be!

Mama Updates – The Physical

Before I get into how I am doing emotionally I thought I would talk about as far as more physical postpartum aspects of life:

• After every baby within a couple of days of coming home I get bad chills in the evening and HORRIBLE night sweats.  I know its hormonal as well as sweating out all the water retained.  So rest assured if you have had a baby or are expecting one and are going through that it is normal.  For me it feels a lot like a fever which can be scary, but its not that.
• Headaches – nursing has caused me to have horrible headaches.  I think for me its a dehydration issue because I drink so much water normally, so to increase it is hard.  Also, to top it off, I struggle to even take in my normal amount when I have a new baby.
• I have found with all my babies I have had a day or two where bleeding pumps back up after it was almost done.  Every time I am sure I am about to die, and every time it stops before I call.  So I am not a doctor, but be aware that it can happen.
• I feel like I am a size 2 without my bump.  But I am indeed not a size 2.  My size 8 jeans (normal size for me) were REALLLLLLLLY tight for newborn pics haha. But it always cracks me up that you feel so skinny when your belly dies down.   I am trying really hard to not focus on getting “back in shape” until the first of the year this time.  That had been my game plan all along, because I know I normally try so hard so fast and just end up making things worse.  Having the C-Section solidified my decision on that, and I will be taking things very slow, and trying to focus more on being grateful for the skin I am in than rushing to better it. 

Nursing

I am going to talk about this on Instagram stories, but nursing has been a battle for me with ALL my babies.  When I was pregnant with Jack there was zero part of me that thought I wouldn’t nurse him for a year.  I had written papers on it in college, and I knew I believed it was in the best interest of the baby.  Fast forward to 23 year old me, with a new baby, and nursing wasn’t going well.  He was losing so much weight, and I was trying to hard to push through, but ultimately Jack’s doctor told me I needed to supplement.  I remember vividly him telling me when I said “but he isn’t fussy, he can’t possibly be hungry,” that he was hungry, but basically had no energy to fuss.  It broke my heart.

Not nursing Jack, having to supplement and then eventually just move to formula was SO HARD for me.  And to make matters worse I was pretty much alone in it.  We had no friends really that had kids (aside from my college best friend).  I felt like I had failed him and my body was insufficient.  It truly robbed me of so much newborn joy.  I remember for his whole first year trying to hide making him bottles in public because I felt so judged.  (keep in mind so much of this was in my head). 

With the next 3 babies I have gone into it with a healthier attitude.  All 3 slightly different game plans, but all three with more realistic expectations.  With Avé I set out to pump a lot to increase supply, which then again ended up being A LOT.  That time in our lives was such a hard emotional time with things we were dealing with with Jack, so ulitmely I don’t really remember being sad when I had to stop and supplement.  I had bigger fish to fry.  (also Avé was only 5’10 oz so I was not allowed to not supplement for long – she needed to keep weight on). 

With Walker, nursing was going mostly well, supplementing early on, but I had a DVT which led to thinners, that ultimately at about 6 weeks postpartum I decided I didn’t want to do the shots daily anymore, when I was already giving him majority formula.  I was able to move to a pill version of a blood thinner once I was done nursing so it was the best decision for the time.

So now here we are with Goldie.  Nursing is going well.  She is great at it, and I am not stressed about it.  That said my supply is still super low.  We started supplementing later in the first week when her weight was about to drop below the comfortable 10% weight loss line.  And right now I’m nursing and supplementing and I’m totally at peace with that.  Supplementing can be sort of a losing battle.  I find that once you’re supplementing you basically can’t catch up on supply unless you’re pumping constantly – and with 4 kids that isn’t possible.  And I am okay with that. 

I told myself that this time around there wouldn’t be excuses.  Because when I give reasons for why I’m not nursing (or fully nursing) its me saying I did something wrong.  And formula isn’t wrong. I am a firm believer that doing what makes your household run well and makes mom happy is the most important thing (aside from making sure baby is getting enough to eat).  So this time around I am just going with the flow.  I want to still nurse her the little she is getting, so I am doing so.  When that becomes to much to nurse and do bottles every time I will stop.   Because ultimately she will learn and grow more from me happily raising her than from the form of milk she’s getting.  

Mama’s Emotions

This has maybe been the biggest struggle this time around, and for so many reasons.  Goldie’s entrance into the world was nothing short of terrifying.  Scary for me.  Scary for her.  Because of that I feel like I am super attached to her.  I have had more moments of panic with her than with the other 3 combined, but it is getting to be less and less.  I think she just seems more fragile to me because I felt so close to not getting her.  

I also think coupling those emotions with her being my last have been hard.  I have struggled a lot with wanting to make sure I don’t miss one minute of my last baby, but also knowing who I am as a person, and knowing I need small breaks from my kids for my sanity.  I have not yet taken a break from the kids or been away from anyone, and I can tell that is taking a toll on me.  But I know there will be a time soon where I can do that.  

Our life was super chaotic before a baby so so far it doesn’t seem THAT much worse, but I will say that having a brand newborn during school is hard.  until her sleep and wake time is more pradictable it makes me overwhelmed thinking of what if she needs to eat at the exact time the big kids need to get to school.  I don’t feel overly confident in that, and I think the fact that I don’t feel I can fully depend on myself physically doesn’t help.  But as she gets more structured and easy to read I think we will fall into a good routine. 

Overall we are all doing well.   But I won’t sugarcoat it and say its been sunshine and roses.  I won’t say that I have settled in perfectly or am just feeling 100.  But thats okay.  I know that will come with time, and we are so grateful to have that sweet Goldie Girl in our lives and family.  

If you haven’t been following along for long, you may not have known that my husband, Sam and myself were expecting our 4th and last baby.  This past week our sweet Goldie Mae entered the world. It went nothing like we had planned, but she is as perfect as we could have only dreamed.  While it’s fresh in my mind I thought I would share her birth story. 

Welcome Goldie Mae

The End of the Pregnancy

Before I get into her birth story, I feel like its worth noting that the 9 months leading up to Goldie were nothing short of hard and eventful.  We have 3 other kids (Jack – 6, Avé – 4, and Walker – 2) and all of their pregnancies were less eventful from the start.  You can read more about finding out I was pregnant with Goldie HERE, and more about finding out it was a girl HERE. 

My pregnancy had been harder this time.  I told Sam so many times that my body was telling me it was done.  That it couldn’t do this anymore.  I could tell that not only emotionally were we done having kids, but my body was throwing up a white flag and telling me it couldn’t do this again.  I honestly never expected that after having 3 very easy pregnancies, but this time was just different.  

I had different aches and pains.  I was on blood thinners for a previous DVT after Walker, and on a heart medication for heart palpitations that was giving me pretty bad anxiety.  Both of those things were never the case with my other pregnancies, so those two factors alone were hard pills to swallow for me.  I had really never been that uncomfortable with my previous pregnancies, and this time my body just felt super off, and my emotions were REALY off. 

Her Labor Story

I have spoken about this on my Instagram stories, but we knew from early in my pregnancy that should Goldie not come on her own by 39 weeks I would be induced.  When you are on blood thinners there is benefit to the doctor being able to control the delivery time a bit so you know when to stop the thinners.  I had sort of hoped she would come on her own – I have been induced now with all of my babies, and there was a part of me that wanted to experience going into labor.  (plus I really didn’t want to have to be pregnant until 39 weeks this time – I was miserable haha). 

She did not come on her own, so on Monday, August 26th we went in for a scheduled induction.  I was 39 weeks 2 days, and we were so ready to meet our sweet girl.  We got up early, got the house ready, then dropped Walker off at my in-laws house. At that time I was actually feeling grateful it was scheduled.  I remembered what a planner I am.  I had outfits out for when they come to the hospital, and everything ready to be away for 2 days. (later to realize I couldn’t really plan for the week ahead!)

Traffic was horrible because there had been a SUPER bad storm that morning with flooding, so my anxiety was high with not wanting to be late!  My induction time was 8 am, and that is the exact time my kids go to school, so being that the hospital is extremely close to their school, Sam then dropped me off at the hospital to get checked in while he dropped Jack and Avé off at school.  I got all checked in and was still waiting for my room when Sam got to the hospital.  

We got settled in, and it was business as usual.  We had done this before, so we knew the general plan. I was still just over 1 cm dilated, and with previous indications have gone straight into pitocen, but this time they did an inserted pill to soften my cervix for 4 hours instead.  I found that to be a bit odd, because when I got to the hospital the only thing my body had really done a very good job of on its own was softening my cervix.  But who was I to question my doctor?   The pill was definitely starting my contractions up more and more, but for the most part I was just going stir crazy.  I hate sitting for that long, but I know that in inductions – patience is the name of the game. 

After 4 hours and some cervical checks they started my pitocin.  It didn’t take long after that for my doctor to want to break my water, and she was fairly certain things would progress quickly after that.  I am VERY afraid of the epidural.  I know theoretically that it won’t hurt too bad, but my body’s response to getting it is to shake horribly in fear.  Because of that they asked if I would be okay getting my epidural soon after my water was broken incase things went quickly.  I was fine with that.  I was already having plenty of painful contractions, and I in no way worry about not ‘experiencing the pain’ of labor. 

I have a pretty good relationship with my doctor.   She has delivered all 4 of my kids, so we know each other pretty well by now.  I told her when we first got in semi jokingly – I did NOT want a c-section, and just to make sure Goldie and I were alive.  I was so anxious, which I think in some ways I always am with labor, but still. Part of me thinks I just knew this wasn’t going to go as planned.   

Everything was going really well.  In fact a few minutes before things sort of took a turn for the worst I got on Instagram and updated everyone on how labor was going,  basically saying we were going slow and steady, but that was fine.  Sam had JUST spoken to his boss on the phone for a minute, and literally we had no indications that anything was going to go any differently than it had with our others in the past.   Sometime around 6pm my nurse came in and said we are going to check on that baby’s heart rate.  I thought nothing of it, thinking the little tummy monitor had slid off.  Right behind her was my dr who was ready to insert an internal heart rate monitor onto Goldie.  They did that with Jack due to him floating up so much in labor, so again for a split second I wasn’t concerned at all.  

But as my doctor was opening that monitor another nurse was behind me putting an oxygen mask on me.  At that point I got scared.  I knew something was wrong and I asked “what is going on.  Am I okay? Why do I need this?”  I couldn’t get to Sam because there were so many nurses and doctors at this point that were flooding the room.  He basically got pushed to the back of the room and the next thing we knew we had SO MANY medical professionals in the room.  

They asked me to flip to my hands and knees – which I thought was ABSURD.  I had already had an epidural and had no idea how I was supposed t do that,  but clearly did so as quickly as I could.  I was basically freaking out at this point.  I knew something was wrong, and I knew this was going to end in a c section, or worse.  I was TERRIFIED.  As I was trying to flip my own body, I had a nurse shoving more oxygen in my face, and that was so scary to me.  I didn’t understand still at this point what was happening.

Within a couple more minutes they said they needed to get me to OR because if a C – Section was needed we needed to be there and ready.  Sam wasn’t allowed to come right away which made it so much harder because I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if I was okay or if Goldie was okay.  They literally RAN me down the halls, and at this point there were probably no less than 20+ Doctors and Nurses with me.  

I felt like I was in a horrible movie.  Running down the hall I was crying and literally flying under the bright lights, then wheeled into OR where it is so bright and white and sterile.  I have never had surgery, so that was so scary for me.  During the chaos of it all I heard someone say they thought my epidural had been ripped out.  So as they are trying to figure all of this out I am freaking out that my epidural wasn’t in and I was going to feel it all.

 Things slowed down for a second, and Goldie’s heart rate was doing better, but the nurses noticed my contractions weren’t letting up.  Prior to all the chaos I had said to Sam that it seemed as tho I wasn’t ever coming out of a contraction really on the monitor.  My doctor checked me one more time and said that they felt they needed to get the baby out.  I asked if Sam could come in because I was freaking out, which they went and got him quickly.  Within a few more minutes she was born.

Goldie Mae Jura – 6 lbs 3 oz. Born at 6:54 pm on 8/26/19

I honestly remember very little else from the actual c- section.   I was so scared and freaking out they gave me a medication that made me very loopy and basically gave me amnesia I guess.  Which is a little heart breaking because I know I don’t really remember her first hour or two.  I didn’t feel comfortable holding her for a while because I guess I probably didn’t feel with it. 

As a side note – and on a note of humor:  Said medicine that made me forget things also made me basically a crazy drunk and SUPER loopy.  I guess after she was born I asked one of the doctors if she looked like a Dino.  If you don’t follow along on my Instagram stories – I had this dream a couple months ago that Goldie looked like a baby dinosaur.  Horribly ugly, and full Dino face.  Clearly that was still in the front of my brain at the time.

I also was very opinionated with my dr on how pretty stitches didn’t matter because my stomach was already hideous so who cares.  The list goes on.  She told me I must be a vey fun drunk after the whole ordeal hahaha.

Processing

After Goldie was born a pediatrician that was in the operating room came in to speak with us.  She told us that a test that was run was super worrisome and could show that there were some REALLY scary things happening in utero with Goldie. (I don’t want to go into more detail, because I honestly don’t want to open that part of this story up to other peoples good or bad experiences with the same thing).   So as I was processing and sort of in shock, we were thrown another curve ball that was honestly way too much to stomach.  She also told us that Goldie showed zero signs of that.  That her APGAR and other tests all looked great, but she felt she needed to tell us because it would likely come up with our pediatrician the next morning. 

That night was honestly one of the hardest of my life.  We were sent to postpartum to recover, and I was still super out of it.  Goldie would come in to nurse and such then go back to the nursery, and Sam got some sleep, but I just sat awake and cried the whole night.  I think my body and my emotions were in such shock.  I remember thinking that all I wanted was to lay with Sam and cry and have him say it would be okay, but I couldn’t.  I was still so freshly out of the c section that I couldn’t move in my bed.  I basically only felt okay if I was holding her, because somehow holding her I just knew she was okay.  

Over our time in the hospital it became more and more apparent that Goldie was doing very well.  My Doctor came in and told me that she ONLY ran that test not based on Goldie state at delivery as much as to really justify for herself that the section was needed.  She felt horrible that my labor had ended that way.  (which I told her that I didn’t care – we were both safe which was the only TRUE goal of that day). 

Due to the speed and urgency of the c – section there wasn’t time to fully figure out what caused the sudden decline in her, but my doctor thinks my placenta was pulling away from the wall causing all of this.  That can obviously become very serious very fast, so she made the right call getting her out for both of our safety. 

Home and Healing

It has now been a week since Goldie was born.  I was in the hospital until Thursday morning that week, and we have been adjusting at home.  I think there are perks and benefits to coming home to chaos with 4 kids.  On one side I don’t think I have had time to process my own emotions.  But on the other hand I don’t think I have had time to process my own emotions.  I can tell I am shaken up, and have panicked more times with her as a newborn than with any of the other kids combined.  I think my mind and body Keeps throttling back to the hospital, so I can tell I have a little anxiety regarding her.  

She is being classified as a “traumatic birth” which I honestly didn’t know was a thing.  When we got to her first pediatricians appointment and they said that I was in some ways relieved to know I wasn’t insane for how scared and shaken I have been, but in some ways so sad for her that thats how she entered the world!

And as always – when you come home from the hospital I think all mamas miss their older kids.  My time in the hospital was the longest I had ever been away from any of them in general, and then on top of that I hardly have seen them with school and caring for Goldie.  I know this is just a phase, but adjustment takes time every time.  

Overall, we are all happy, and healthy and just so happy to have us all here.  She was already our last chapter, but we feel VERY good about that decision now.  Now we are just on a mission to make this next year with a baby at home go as slow as possible and to focus on enjoying it as much as possible.