I somehow assumed I would have at least a few blog posts between this one and the Goldie birth story, but in true newborn life, here we are. I figured instead of just talking on stories, I would do some updates here on my blog during Goldie’s first year. My friend Alex does monthly updates for her daughter, and I love that she shares products that she is loving with that age, so I think I will do something similar. I think especially with so many readers and followers with babies at similar ages this will be helpful.
Updates on Goldie
So to start off our 2 week updates, lets talk about the most important person – miss Goldie herself. She is doing great.
- Wakes 2 times most nights
- Loves to be swaddled
- Not sure about pacifiers or carseats
- Loves to lay on my chest
- White noise instantly puts her to sleep — and works pretty well on me too haha.
- Nursing and drinking bottles well
- 6.7 oz
- Lots of congestion and spitting up, but we are getting a handle on both. I will share my favorite items in my 1 month update.
- Sweet as can be!
Mama Updates – The Physical
Before I get into how I am doing emotionally I thought I would talk about as far as more physical postpartum aspects of life:
- After every baby within a couple of days of coming home I get bad chills in the evening and HORRIBLE night sweats. I know its hormonal as well as sweating out all the water retained. So rest assured if you have had a baby or are expecting one and are going through that it is normal. For me it feels a lot like a fever which can be scary, but its not that.
- Headaches – nursing has caused me to have horrible headaches. I think for me its a dehydration issue because I drink so much water normally, so to increase it is hard. Also, to top it off, I struggle to even take in my normal amount when I have a new baby.
- I have found with all my babies I have had a day or two where bleeding pumps back up after it was almost done. Every time I am sure I am about to die, and every time it stops before I call. So I am not a doctor, but be aware that it can happen.
- I feel like I am a size 2 without my bump. But I am indeed not a size 2. My size 8 jeans (normal size for me) were REALLLLLLLLY tight for newborn pics haha. But it always cracks me up that you feel so skinny when your belly dies down. I am trying really hard to not focus on getting “back in shape” until the first of the year this time. That had been my game plan all along, because I know I normally try so hard so fast and just end up making things worse. Having the C-Section solidified my decision on that, and I will be taking things very slow, and trying to focus more on being grateful for the skin I am in than rushing to better it.
I am going to talk about this on Instagram stories, but nursing has been a battle for me with ALL my babies. When I was pregnant with Jack there was zero part of me that thought I wouldn’t nurse him for a year. I had written papers on it in college, and I knew I believed it was in the best interest of the baby. Fast forward to 23 year old me, with a new baby, and nursing wasn’t going well. He was losing so much weight, and I was trying to hard to push through, but ultimately Jack’s doctor told me I needed to supplement. I remember vividly him telling me when I said “but he isn’t fussy, he can’t possibly be hungry,” that he was hungry, but basically had no energy to fuss. It broke my heart.
Not nursing Jack, having to supplement and then eventually just move to formula was SO HARD for me. And to make matters worse I was pretty much alone in it. We had no friends really that had kids (aside from my college best friend). I felt like I had failed him and my body was insufficient. It truly robbed me of so much newborn joy. I remember for his whole first year trying to hide making him bottles in public because I felt so judged. (keep in mind so much of this was in my head).
With the next 3 babies I have gone into it with a healthier attitude. All 3 slightly different game plans, but all three with more realistic expectations. With Avé I set out to pump a lot to increase supply, which then again ended up being A LOT. That time in our lives was such a hard emotional time with things we were dealing with with Jack, so ulitmely I don’t really remember being sad when I had to stop and supplement. I had bigger fish to fry. (also Avé was only 5’10 oz so I was not allowed to not supplement for long – she needed to keep weight on).
With Walker, nursing was going mostly well, supplementing early on, but I had a DVT which led to thinners, that ultimately at about 6 weeks postpartum I decided I didn’t want to do the shots daily anymore, when I was already giving him majority formula. I was able to move to a pill version of a blood thinner once I was done nursing so it was the best decision for the time.
So now here we are with Goldie. Nursing is going well. She is great at it, and I am not stressed about it. That said my supply is still super low. We started supplementing later in the first week when her weight was about to drop below the comfortable 10% weight loss line. And right now I’m nursing and supplementing and I’m totally at peace with that. Supplementing can be sort of a losing battle. I find that once you’re supplementing you basically can’t catch up on supply unless you’re pumping constantly – and with 4 kids that isn’t possible. And I am okay with that.
I told myself that this time around there wouldn’t be excuses. Because when I give reasons for why I’m not nursing (or fully nursing) its me saying I did something wrong. And formula isn’t wrong. I am a firm believer that doing what makes your household run well and makes mom happy is the most important thing (aside from making sure baby is getting enough to eat). So this time around I am just going with the flow. I want to still nurse her the little she is getting, so I am doing so. When that becomes to much to nurse and do bottles every time I will stop. Because ultimately she will learn and grow more from me happily raising her than from the form of milk she’s getting.
This has maybe been the biggest struggle this time around, and for so many reasons. Goldie’s entrance into the world was nothing short of terrifying. Scary for me. Scary for her. Because of that I feel like I am super attached to her. I have had more moments of panic with her than with the other 3 combined, but it is getting to be less and less. I think she just seems more fragile to me because I felt so close to not getting her.
I also think coupling those emotions with her being my last have been hard. I have struggled a lot with wanting to make sure I don’t miss one minute of my last baby, but also knowing who I am as a person, and knowing I need small breaks from my kids for my sanity. I have not yet taken a break from the kids or been away from anyone, and I can tell that is taking a toll on me. But I know there will be a time soon where I can do that.
Our life was super chaotic before a baby so so far it doesn’t seem THAT much worse, but I will say that having a brand newborn during school is hard. until her sleep and wake time is more pradictable it makes me overwhelmed thinking of what if she needs to eat at the exact time the big kids need to get to school. I don’t feel overly confident in that, and I think the fact that I don’t feel I can fully depend on myself physically doesn’t help. But as she gets more structured and easy to read I think we will fall into a good routine.
Overall we are all doing well. But I won’t sugarcoat it and say its been sunshine and roses. I won’t say that I have settled in perfectly or am just feeling 100. But thats okay. I know that will come with time, and we are so grateful to have that sweet Goldie Girl in our lives and family.