Welcome Goldie Mae

If you haven’t been following along for long, you may not have known that my husband, Sam and myself were expecting our 4th and last baby.  This past week our sweet Goldie Mae entered the world. It went nothing like we had planned, but she is as perfect as we could have only dreamed.  While it’s fresh in my mind I thought I would share her birth story. 

Welcome Goldie Mae

The End of the Pregnancy

Before I get into her birth story, I feel like its worth noting that the 9 months leading up to Goldie were nothing short of hard and eventful.  We have 3 other kids (Jack – 6, Avé – 4, and Walker – 2) and all of their pregnancies were less eventful from the start.  You can read more about finding out I was pregnant with Goldie HERE, and more about finding out it was a girl HERE. 

My pregnancy had been harder this time.  I told Sam so many times that my body was telling me it was done.  That it couldn’t do this anymore.  I could tell that not only emotionally were we done having kids, but my body was throwing up a white flag and telling me it couldn’t do this again.  I honestly never expected that after having 3 very easy pregnancies, but this time was just different.  

I had different aches and pains.  I was on blood thinners for a previous DVT after Walker, and on a heart medication for heart palpitations that was giving me pretty bad anxiety.  Both of those things were never the case with my other pregnancies, so those two factors alone were hard pills to swallow for me.  I had really never been that uncomfortable with my previous pregnancies, and this time my body just felt super off, and my emotions were REALY off. 

Her Labor Story

I have spoken about this on my Instagram stories, but we knew from early in my pregnancy that should Goldie not come on her own by 39 weeks I would be induced.  When you are on blood thinners there is benefit to the doctor being able to control the delivery time a bit so you know when to stop the thinners.  I had sort of hoped she would come on her own – I have been induced now with all of my babies, and there was a part of me that wanted to experience going into labor.  (plus I really didn’t want to have to be pregnant until 39 weeks this time – I was miserable haha). 

She did not come on her own, so on Monday, August 26th we went in for a scheduled induction.  I was 39 weeks 2 days, and we were so ready to meet our sweet girl.  We got up early, got the house ready, then dropped Walker off at my in-laws house. At that time I was actually feeling grateful it was scheduled.  I remembered what a planner I am.  I had outfits out for when they come to the hospital, and everything ready to be away for 2 days. (later to realize I couldn’t really plan for the week ahead!)

Traffic was horrible because there had been a SUPER bad storm that morning with flooding, so my anxiety was high with not wanting to be late!  My induction time was 8 am, and that is the exact time my kids go to school, so being that the hospital is extremely close to their school, Sam then dropped me off at the hospital to get checked in while he dropped Jack and Avé off at school.  I got all checked in and was still waiting for my room when Sam got to the hospital.  

We got settled in, and it was business as usual.  We had done this before, so we knew the general plan. I was still just over 1 cm dilated, and with previous indications have gone straight into pitocen, but this time they did an inserted pill to soften my cervix for 4 hours instead.  I found that to be a bit odd, because when I got to the hospital the only thing my body had really done a very good job of on its own was softening my cervix.  But who was I to question my doctor?   The pill was definitely starting my contractions up more and more, but for the most part I was just going stir crazy.  I hate sitting for that long, but I know that in inductions – patience is the name of the game. 

After 4 hours and some cervical checks they started my pitocin.  It didn’t take long after that for my doctor to want to break my water, and she was fairly certain things would progress quickly after that.  I am VERY afraid of the epidural.  I know theoretically that it won’t hurt too bad, but my body’s response to getting it is to shake horribly in fear.  Because of that they asked if I would be okay getting my epidural soon after my water was broken incase things went quickly.  I was fine with that.  I was already having plenty of painful contractions, and I in no way worry about not ‘experiencing the pain’ of labor. 

I have a pretty good relationship with my doctor.   She has delivered all 4 of my kids, so we know each other pretty well by now.  I told her when we first got in semi jokingly – I did NOT want a c-section, and just to make sure Goldie and I were alive.  I was so anxious, which I think in some ways I always am with labor, but still. Part of me thinks I just knew this wasn’t going to go as planned.   

Everything was going really well.  In fact a few minutes before things sort of took a turn for the worst I got on Instagram and updated everyone on how labor was going,  basically saying we were going slow and steady, but that was fine.  Sam had JUST spoken to his boss on the phone for a minute, and literally we had no indications that anything was going to go any differently than it had with our others in the past.   Sometime around 6pm my nurse came in and said we are going to check on that baby’s heart rate.  I thought nothing of it, thinking the little tummy monitor had slid off.  Right behind her was my dr who was ready to insert an internal heart rate monitor onto Goldie.  They did that with Jack due to him floating up so much in labor, so again for a split second I wasn’t concerned at all.  

But as my doctor was opening that monitor another nurse was behind me putting an oxygen mask on me.  At that point I got scared.  I knew something was wrong and I asked “what is going on.  Am I okay? Why do I need this?”  I couldn’t get to Sam because there were so many nurses and doctors at this point that were flooding the room.  He basically got pushed to the back of the room and the next thing we knew we had SO MANY medical professionals in the room.  

They asked me to flip to my hands and knees – which I thought was ABSURD.  I had already had an epidural and had no idea how I was supposed t do that,  but clearly did so as quickly as I could.  I was basically freaking out at this point.  I knew something was wrong, and I knew this was going to end in a c section, or worse.  I was TERRIFIED.  As I was trying to flip my own body, I had a nurse shoving more oxygen in my face, and that was so scary to me.  I didn’t understand still at this point what was happening.

Within a couple more minutes they said they needed to get me to OR because if a C – Section was needed we needed to be there and ready.  Sam wasn’t allowed to come right away which made it so much harder because I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if I was okay or if Goldie was okay.  They literally RAN me down the halls, and at this point there were probably no less than 20+ Doctors and Nurses with me.  

I felt like I was in a horrible movie.  Running down the hall I was crying and literally flying under the bright lights, then wheeled into OR where it is so bright and white and sterile.  I have never had surgery, so that was so scary for me.  During the chaos of it all I heard someone say they thought my epidural had been ripped out.  So as they are trying to figure all of this out I am freaking out that my epidural wasn’t in and I was going to feel it all.

 Things slowed down for a second, and Goldie’s heart rate was doing better, but the nurses noticed my contractions weren’t letting up.  Prior to all the chaos I had said to Sam that it seemed as tho I wasn’t ever coming out of a contraction really on the monitor.  My doctor checked me one more time and said that they felt they needed to get the baby out.  I asked if Sam could come in because I was freaking out, which they went and got him quickly.  Within a few more minutes she was born.

Goldie Mae Jura – 6 lbs 3 oz. Born at 6:54 pm on 8/26/19

I honestly remember very little else from the actual c- section.   I was so scared and freaking out they gave me a medication that made me very loopy and basically gave me amnesia I guess.  Which is a little heart breaking because I know I don’t really remember her first hour or two.  I didn’t feel comfortable holding her for a while because I guess I probably didn’t feel with it. 

As a side note – and on a note of humor:  Said medicine that made me forget things also made me basically a crazy drunk and SUPER loopy.  I guess after she was born I asked one of the doctors if she looked like a Dino.  If you don’t follow along on my Instagram stories – I had this dream a couple months ago that Goldie looked like a baby dinosaur.  Horribly ugly, and full Dino face.  Clearly that was still in the front of my brain at the time.

I also was very opinionated with my dr on how pretty stitches didn’t matter because my stomach was already hideous so who cares.  The list goes on.  She told me I must be a vey fun drunk after the whole ordeal hahaha.

Processing

 

After Goldie was born a pediatrician that was in the operating room came in to speak with us.  She told us that a test that was run was super worrisome and could show that there were some REALLY scary things happening in utero with Goldie. (I don’t want to go into more detail, because I honestly don’t want to open that part of this story up to other peoples good or bad experiences with the same thing).   So as I was processing and sort of in shock, we were thrown another curve ball that was honestly way too much to stomach.  She also told us that Goldie showed zero signs of that.  That her APGAR and other tests all looked great, but she felt she needed to tell us because it would likely come up with our pediatrician the next morning. 

That night was honestly one of the hardest of my life.  We were sent to postpartum to recover, and I was still super out of it.  Goldie would come in to nurse and such then go back to the nursery, and Sam got some sleep, but I just sat awake and cried the whole night.  I think my body and my emotions were in such shock.  I remember thinking that all I wanted was to lay with Sam and cry and have him say it would be okay, but I couldn’t.  I was still so freshly out of the c section that I couldn’t move in my bed.  I basically only felt okay if I was holding her, because somehow holding her I just knew she was okay.  

Over our time in the hospital it became more and more apparent that Goldie was doing very well.  My Doctor came in and told me that she ONLY ran that test not based on Goldie state at delivery as much as to really justify for herself that the section was needed.  She felt horrible that my labor had ended that way.  (which I told her that I didn’t care – we were both safe which was the only TRUE goal of that day). 

Due to the speed and urgency of the c – section there wasn’t time to fully figure out what caused the sudden decline in her, but my doctor thinks my placenta was pulling away from the wall causing all of this.  That can obviously become very serious very fast, so she made the right call getting her out for both of our safety. 

Home and Healing

It has now been a week since Goldie was born.  I was in the hospital until Thursday morning that week, and we have been adjusting at home.  I think there are perks and benefits to coming home to chaos with 4 kids.  On one side I don’t think I have had time to process my own emotions.  But on the other hand I don’t think I have had time to process my own emotions.  I can tell I am shaken up, and have panicked more times with her as a newborn than with any of the other kids combined.  I think my mind and body Keeps throttling back to the hospital, so I can tell I have a little anxiety regarding her.  

She is being classified as a “traumatic birth” which I honestly didn’t know was a thing.  When we got to her first pediatricians appointment and they said that I was in some ways relieved to know I wasn’t insane for how scared and shaken I have been, but in some ways so sad for her that thats how she entered the world!

And as always – when you come home from the hospital I think all mamas miss their older kids.  My time in the hospital was the longest I had ever been away from any of them in general, and then on top of that I hardly have seen them with school and caring for Goldie.  I know this is just a phase, but adjustment takes time every time.  

Overall, we are all happy, and healthy and just so happy to have us all here.  She was already our last chapter, but we feel VERY good about that decision now.  Now we are just on a mission to make this next year with a baby at home go as slow as possible and to focus on enjoying it as much as possible.